Village Awayday

So yesterday I went to the LGBTQ+ place in the Village in the big city of Manchester and went to check out a place that is said and claims to help trans people and have a community thing going; well the y were very nice - but, the cafe was not open on a Tuesday, I felt very embarrassed and vulnerable and was hoping that seeing this the person would get someone to come and see me, i could see he was going to try as i made for the door - I just wished he'd stopped me and got someone that's all. It was feeling more an interview for a job that finding help for the person inside to come out and blossom into - well the real me? Oh yeah, names Marcia, Marcy, Marcella, or use another format and that surname's too close to my real one, that will need work so, I shall get a list and print it off and cut lots of slips of paper with names on and put them in a hat and jumble them up and pull out 10, of those choose 5 to make a final choice from. 

I have been listening to hours of these bio-kenesis recordings that are said to help body "restructuring" and yes you do feel something - it probably takes forever to work but these is something going on as my testes and boobs are doing something. Now I'm not going to say hey, stick your head in an oven because someone else did - get me?  It is not my place to hold people's hands if they can't have the Witt to see danger.  that comes over a bit disingenuous doesn't it given my earlier comment, but we all know about the internet and what is on there is not always as it seems and predominantly isn't genuine or 100% up front. I think today is best spent indoors and not going out if possible although the need for milk and bread is kinda pressing, but the local shop around the corner can help there. 

Welcome to Marcy's Way

Welcome to my First Post

Am I nervous? hell yeah! This is the first page of my journal to the road of freedom and being the person I am inside. I am not giving any information about who I was/am at the moment but only an introduction to who I am going to be. I have not grown up as the person I thought I was and over many years denied there was another me, what I class now as the real me. Accepting the true self is not easy and along the way I screwed up something awful in relationships, work, all over the place. I was not born the person I am today - life has seen to that! I was not born with the gender I now regard as mine now. 

"Oh she's transgender!" - no actually I am now merely becoming the gender I believe I should've been in the first place! Some boys and girls grow up in two ways - the outer person is a male or female and the inner person is split into two or more genders not knowing their true person or gender but not sure what else they could be. Confused? Well, i was and have been for many years until now. And thanks to the end of yet another failed attempt at a relationship with a truly wonderful lady and who made me feel great and special, I realized what was going wrong all the time.  

   "It's not you it's me"

 I bet you've heard that before many times and so have I and have said it too and not realized just how pertinent it was. But it was me. It had always been me, is this all about me? Yes! It is. It's about how I have realized and come to terms with myself and my reasons that life has been so screwy, why I thought I was weird, strange and odd, why I thought I hated playing and watching football and talking about cars and getting inebriated. I found conversations with older female company far more to my liking, and thought - Oh god I'm becoming Allen Bennett! - sorry Allen Bennett I do actually like your stuff. Besides he's not the same for another reason, he's gay.

 I found that I wasn't gay at school when one of the other lads tried it on with me and a few years later I tried to see what it was like...nope, not really me. Boys and men are not what I desired for a sexual partner and I preferred the taste of a girl and her smell. however sex with girls was not what I required, not in the traditional sense that is, I was in love with girls yes, but wanted to love them as a girl not a boy.  Yes, very confusing and not just for them or me but for having come from a very religious household with very strict laws on sexuality and such. 

So that's the past as it is, because one day - about a fortnight ago _ I awoke with a strange feeling and realized to my terror that I had crossed over a threshold - no, I didn't get carried as a wife, I understood exactly what was going wrong with me. What had always been going wrong. I had been living a lie. I wasn't right in who I was. I realized something else too, I found myself  walking about the house with a feminine wiggle, affectatiously  sitting, talking to myself and now with some clothes left at my former house my a former tenant who'd done a moonlight flit daily dressing in them - after washing them of course - I got a wig from a thrift store and make up I found in a draw at my new home.

I have to be careful, my new neighbors don't know me but work colleagues do, people from my old neighborhood did too. I remembered watching a show on tv about someone coming out as "Trans" having to live as a woman for three years before she could get reassignment surgery to be herself, brave woman! I know if I did that in my former neighborhood i'd get the shit kicked out of me, that's if I was lucky! 

Some years ago a long ways away now and a long time it seems too, i had actually gone out dressed as a woman, not the usual drag - like clothes, a really nice tight dress in red with dark brown wig with honeyed highlights in it-a bit like Sue-Ellen from Dallas wore and good sensible silver court shoes and good make up. I felt quite okay, sexy even and confident as I passed the bus stop and got some looks, laughs and a jeer and even a wolf whistle! It felt Right! As I was staying with my folks at the time for work reasons I had to get changed in a bar restroom, which was thankfully okay as no one noticed me go in or leave.  That was then.

This is now!

 I have begun to get cloths, thanks to the internet I don't have to go to stores either and can buy cloths straight from the supplier shipped to me, Marcy -company of my male name's address. what else? Oh yeah i check out all I can find on transgender people online and know a few in the community and haven't come out to them as yet, although I think one suspects as she wryly smiles as we say hi's and bye's. there are sights that are so refreshing on You Tube etc.  Claire Michelle link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj2Ovbk40zo 

and Trans Spa, Jordan Volness, Tessa Lee - you rock girl!, there are many more.  Just check them out. I have not gone out of my front door for three days now....i shaved my eyebrows and got really paranoid about it, it's not like they could've got done falling asleep at a party - I don't take drugs and I don't drink alcohol and being new to this neighborhood i still get looks as i walk around, maybe i'm wiggling and not realizing, omg!  Okay focus!! 

   If you read my blog  i want to say many thanks and I shall be back here asap, work permitting!! 

                       Love & Peace for all,

                                                                  Marcy xxx